I did not yet have the concentration to work but I could straighten my house, I could get on top of things, I could deal with unopened mail.
That I was only now beginning the process of mourning did not occur to me.
Until now I had been able only to grieve, not mourn. Grief was passive. Grief happened. Mourning, the act of dealing with grief required attention.
I believe that is why I have hit this roadblock with MB. He and I began chatting about 8 months after Nick died, 7 months after his DW died. We both knew it was "too soon," but it was also too wonderful to ignore: It was a beam of light and hope that neither of us had ever expected to see. The grief monster would sneak up on one or the other of us at different times; in fact we shed many healing tears in each other's arms. I can speak only for myself, but I know that I did not "attend" to the grief, I did not "deal with it." I would wait for it to subside, to move on. Perhaps that is all I was capable of doing at the time; perhaps it was a subconscious choice because I much preferred the delight of feeling love and happiness and hope.
Regardless, the passage this morning was like a bolt of lightning. It flashed through a dark sky and illuminated the landscape for a brief moment. I don't know where the WidowRoad will lead me, but I have a sense of the contours of the road immediately ahead. I am not sure what "mourning" will look like for me, but I enter the mysteries of Great Lent with a more peaceful heart than I have had in a while. And I know that a few tangible tasks await me, things I have avoided doing, which will surely be part of my acts of mourning.
On the more mundane level, my day looks like this:
1. Clean the powder room.
2. Vacuum the stairs.
3. Clean Rock's room.
4. Vacuum Rock's room.
Wish me well on this new day. TTYL.
Updated, 9:37 p.m. -- Go, me! I got everything done. Except exercise. I even vacuumed my bedroom. And scrubbed the downstairs hall. And straightened up the family room -- yeah, yeah, Why Bother?
As for the rest of it, I have been told that I have "grief issues." Go figure. I know that I do. And I am struggling so hard. I love MB so much, I really really do love that man. "It's too much to expect..."