Bazza's Office


I have just moved offices at work, I used to be in an office with 10 other people, now there's just 2 of us, it's a lot quieter. This is my desk.

A message to my friends

(and you know who you are!)



And, no, I'm not working on commission!

Romans 8:24-26


... But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.


Dread, stronger than fear --
Grief and death show no mercy.
Besieged, you crumble.

Still the vast maelstrom...
Still the Great Battle rages.
Be still and arise!

Walk in gratitude.
Breathe in eternal goodness.
Surrender to peace.

The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

If any of our female visitors think this isn't relevant to them, that's probably a good thing.

Off-topic: Some good news

How pathetic that when I have something good to report, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on my own blog. Jeesh.

The good news is that my house in Maryland has rented out. It's a great relief. The tenants move in this Friday; I sure hope they treat the place well. And huge special thanks to Beata and her family for taking care of all the pesky things that the tenants requested.

Put this date on your calendar

December 5

That is when my mother is scheduled for surgery. Please, please remember her in your prayers between now and then, and especially on that day.

My sister and I were talking on Wednesday, and we both think Mother is getting steadily worse. She's weaker -- she called yesterday to ask me to come over and put fresh sheets on her bed -- and she has less energy.

I reminded Jane how she had felt in the time leading up to her surgery; she was feeling worse and worse and practically begged for the surgery to be rescheduled as soon as possible. Two days after the surgery, she said she could feel her body saying THANK YOU, that her body was so glad to be rid of the monster in her belly.

We can only hope that December 5 is soon enough, and that the surgeons are able to remove the beast that is killing my mother.

Time for thanks

Time.

I don't think there's a widow on earth who hasn't wanted to punch the next person who says something along the lines of Time heals all wounds. Or who hasn't railed against the heavens because the time they spent with their love was too short.

Time. It is both a balm and a sword. Time soothes our pain and cuts through our heart. Time.

I thank God for Time ... for the Time that Nick and I had together, more precious because it was so short.

I thank God for the Time my family had together last Christmas, all together for too brief a period before my brother's Time was cut so suddenly short.

I thank God for the Time my sister has been given, for health unexpected, Time to live and be glad for life.

I thank God for the Time the boys and I had this past summer, times of laughter and love with my mother, absolutely clueless that the demon from hell was in her body.

I thank God for the Time that has passed since Nick's death, Time that has brought me healing and strength, Time that has brought me to my mother's side.

I thank God for the Time my mother has left, however long or short that may be, Time to love and laugh, Time to hold her heart and hands close to mine.

Time. I thank God for all these gifts of Time, times I had planned and Time that has come as grace.

Time. I thank God for the Time.

And like a petulant child stamping her foot, I want More.

Great truths about growing old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Have I told you lately?

that

CANCER SUCKS!!

Well, it does, it really really does.

Three doses of chemo and 10 weeks of misery basically did nothing to reduce the cancer in my mother's gut or to bring down the cancer count in her blood.

In 7 to 10 days, the surgeon will do a complete hysterectomy. With luck. Maybe. If the tumors aren't positioned in such a way that removing them threatens the femoral artery. If the surgery is successful, there will be more chemo -- since it was so effective the first time around.

If the surgery isn't successful ...

Have I told you lately that CANCER SUCKS!!!

The next "right thing"

My relationship with Ron was a wonderful blessing. Even though many would have cautioned that we were both too new in our grief, it was the right thing for both of us.

Ending that relationship was necessary for me to do -- and yes, it was a largely one-sided breakup. Even though I still have feelings for him, it is the right thing for both of us.

I can only trust that the next "right thing" will manifest itself at the right time.

and did a spot of birdwatching.

We did a bit of swimming too.

Refreshed



We've been away for a few days. The trees are the view from our accomodation and the other photo was about 10 minutes walk away.

I've been quiet lately

I deeply appreciate your support in response to my last post. My mom had a bad day with chemo that day, and so in turn did I. It's terrible to see someone you love suffering and in pain. It's terrible to see someone once filled with vitality sapped of all energy.

That bad day brought to the fore all the end-of-life "stuff" that I just can't bear to contemplate. I did once; I don't want to do it again. And yet, I know I will have to. So I needed to rage at the universe and sob and sleep.

And yes, I have slept. It's taking a long time for my body to adjust to the new rhythms of my life. I'm not used to being out the door at 7 a.m. and driving for 45 minutes, which is what I have to do to take the boys to school and return home. It really sucks the life out of me. And then I get to do it all over again at 3 p.m. Ugh.

... Also ...

My relationship with Ron is over.

There's not much else to say: There is a lot to say, but it will remain private. We were so good for each other for so long, and we still love each other deeply. But we have had our share of rough spots and have been building up to today's conversation for a while.

Still... there is a huge aching in my heart. And what I wrote about my Mother, I could just as easily write about Ron: It's terrible to see someone you love suffering and in pain -- especially when you are the source of that pain.

National Security

For reasons that I can't go into, there will be no posts on this blog until next weekend. Hush, hush, mum's the word, nod's as good as a wink etc.

Princess


Our little princess had her 6th birthday party at our house the other night, a house full of screaming 6 year olds, it was horrendous, but they all seemed to enjoy themselves. Also, have you noticed when you say smile to a child, they never quite manage it how you wanted it.

Great truths about life that adults have learned

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great truths about life that little children have learned

1) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
2) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
3) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
6) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

I am ...

Tired
Tearful
Angry
Frustrated
Tired, so tired
Depressed
Anxious
Lonely
Tired
Scared
Dread-filled
Lost
Alone
Tired, tired
Fearful
Despairing
Aching
Yearning
Tired tired tired.

Oh, God, please help me.
Please
Please help me.

Harry


Seeing as you all asked (well just Cindra actually) here's a picture of Harry from halloween. He did have a mask, but refused to wear it. If you click on the photo to blow it up you will see Harry's blood curdling red eyes, courtesy of Bazza not going on photoshop!

I'm so happy!

The birds have discovered my feeders and the platter of water. My backyard is teeming with finches, quail, doves, sparrows, woodpeckers, and a few species that need to sit still so I can figure out what the hay they are. Even the sparrows and finches need to calm down so I can identify them: Several are not familiar to me.

What fun! I love having birds in my yard, looking at them from my kitchen window. It makes me HAPPY. And happy is good.

The birds have found me; I must be home.

::contented smiley emoticon::

Alright sunshine


Quite a striking sunset round our end last night.

Witch


Katie dispels the myth that all witches are ugly old harridans.

It's that time of year again